Top 3 Mistakes Step-Families Make (and How to Avoid Them)
In order to have the best chance at success in your step-family, it’s important to avoid some common mistakes. Unfortunately, these mistakes are easy to make, and many people don’t even know they’re mistakes! So here is a list of the top 3 mistakes step-families make, and how to avoid them.
1. Criticizing the Other Parent
Just who “the other parent” is will differ from family to family. However, the point is that (in most step-family situations) there are biological parents and step-parents. And when you criticize the other parent, it tends to make the child of that parent feel terrible. It’s very easy to do, especially if the other parent is difficult to deal with, or is less-than-perfect in his or her parenting ability.
In other words, it’s hard to see the other parent cause emotional damage to the child and not say anything negative about that parent. Remember, though, that the other parent is half of your child (from a genetic standpoint), and saying bad things about the other parent feels like you’re saying bad things about the child.
How to avoid this mistake: Focus on how your child feels and how the other parent makes him or her feel. For instance, if you find out the other parent did something that upset your child, rather than criticizing the other parent for that, ask the child how that made him or her feel. Then offer some coping mechanisms and tools to help your child deal with the other parent’s behavior. If you are “the other parent” and you’re being criticized in a way that you feel is unjust or untrue, don’t criticize in return. Instead, do the above – ask the child how it makes him or her feel when you get criticized.
2. Acting Like Nothing Is Wrong
Okay, maybe nothing is really “wrong” – at least, not that you can see. But this mistake takes several forms, such as pretending like the other parent(s) doesn’t/don’t exist, or acting like everything’s normal while not acknowledging the very real difficulties presented in a remarriage. There may be a need for therapy, counseling, or both; and such treatment may need to be ongoing as the step-family evolves (new babies, moving, etc.).
How to avoid this mistake: Recognize that remarriage and step-family situations are a major transition for children, even if they don’t show much outwardly. Don’t be afraid to seek counseling or therapy, and make sure communication lines are open. Don’t fear negative feelings or make them “not allowed.”
3. Not Respecting the Other Parent’s Time
It’s easy to make this mistake, especially in this day and age of crazy schedules and full days and nights. Step-parents may not look at bonding time with the other parent as important, and therefore may “blow it off” and not accommodate it in their schedule. This can be difficult to balance, especially if the other parent doesn’t respect the visitation schedule and expects the step-family to drop everything whenever he/she wants to spend time with the child.
How to avoid this mistake: When a child’s biological parent wants to spend time with the child, make sure you respect that time and try not to schedule anything over that time.
However, it’s important for the other parent to realize that schedules and routines are important to kids. The best thing to do is to respect the court-ordered visitation schedule or whatever schedule you have worked out, and tell the other parent that you need to know at least a week (or more) in advance about activities that are outside the normal visitation schedule. That way, you’re respecting the time the other parent can spend with the child without being at the other parent’s “beck and call.”