Keeping Your Mutual Friends after Divorce
When it comes to divorce, people talk about the custody of the children and the division of marital property…but they rarely talk about the “custody” of your mutual friends. But the fact is, it can be a real issue that can cause problems if it’s not dealt with properly.
Here are some tips for keeping your mutual friends after divorce.
1. You Can’t Keep Them All
Okay, this is supposed to be about keeping your mutual friends after a divorce. But it’s important to start out realistically. Some friends may do more harm than good. For example, a mutual friend whose brother or sister had an affair with your ex-spouse…that might be someone you want to cross off your list. It’s just too awkward.
Also, some of your shared friends will simply choose sides, and you may not be the side they choose. Try not to take it personally; you don’t know what they’ve been led to believe, or why they chose to side with your ex. Other mutual friends will drift away from both you and your ex, because they are uncomfortable with your divorce for whatever reason. Try to let it go.
2. Bring It Out in the Open
Sometimes, the hurt comes because no one ever brought up the subject of shared friends. You just stop getting invited places, or friends quit contacting you. Then you feel hurt and pushed aside. So when you’re going through your divorce, don’t be afraid to bring this point up. What do you want? If you are able to discuss it with your soon-to-be ex-spouse (or already ex-spouse), do so. If not, ask your lawyer for advice.
3. Don’t Lay It on Too Thick
Divorce is an emotional time. You do need close friends to talk to, and hopefully counselors and/or therapists, too. But you might drive your friends away (especially your shared friends) if you are “always” talking about the divorce and things surrounding it. Shared friends might feel put in the middle as they sympathize with you and offer advice, but then feel they need to do the same for your ex. It can make mutual friends feel torn. So lighten up a bit and don’t dump everything on one mutual friend.
4. Don’t Get Blind-Sided
Figure out ahead of time how you feel about being in the same room or social situation as your ex, or his/her family. If you’re okay with it, then you’ll be more at ease staying friends with some of your shared acquaintances. But if you decide you’re not okay with that, then you may have to give up some friendships. The key is to decide now, so you don’t end up in a really uncomfortable situation (“I didn’t know he/she would be here!”).
Yes, divorce changes things. But there are ways to keep some of your mutual friends, and graceful ways to let them go.