What Do You Do When Your Ex Has Differing Values?

This is one of the most challenging things about single parenting. Your ex just doesn’t have the same values as you, and perhaps you see his or her values – or lack of them – as damaging to your children. But like most parenting challenges, it is best to confront it by learning some tools to help.

Here are some tips on what you can do when your ex has differing values.

1. Know Your Own Values

Being firm and consistent in your own values can go a long way toward easing your insecurities. When someone with different values has an influence on your kids, “flying the flag” of your own values helps you stand confidently on what you believe. Your kids will also appreciate the consistency and confidence. This doesn’t mean you need to be in your ex’s face about your values; you can’t change his or her mind. But you can live your life according to what you hold to be important.

If you have to take some time to identify your values and solidify them, make sure you take that time to firm up what you believe. It can be as simple as a list or as extensive as seeing a counselor. Just make sure your “value ducks” are in a row!

2. Talk to Your Kids about Your Values…

…but don’t talk negatively about our ex’s values. There’s an art to this kind of discussion. You’ll need to keep it positive and focused on your values and what you hold to be important – in other words, you’ll need to talk your values up without talking your ex’s down. Then trust your kids to make connections. They will begin to adopt their own value systems as they grow up, and they will make the connection between what they believe to be right and the behavior and values of the other parent.

In other words, talk to your kids about your values and let your ex’s behavior and values speak for themselves.

3. Respectfully Disagree

If your kids come home from the other parent’s house and talk about something that goes against your values, you can respectfully voice your opposition to those words or that behavior without being disrespectful to the other parent. You could say something like, “Personally, I disagree with what your mom/dad did in this situation. Do you think there was a better way to handle that situation? What do you think about how your mom/dad handled it?” This gets the kids thinking, and includes them in the discussion without demonizing the other parent.

4. Identify What’s Important

It’s a good idea to keep a healthy perspective here. When it comes to values, what you hold dear may not really be a crucial matter. For example, it may stress you out that your ex has a messy house or apartment. But as long as it’s not unhealthy, whether or not there is clutter about is probably not worth stressing or arguing over. Think core values, like what you want for your kids spiritually or relationally, and let the small stuff go.