Divorce – How to Hang on to Your Dignity

Sadly, when a divorce happens, one or both parties often feel humiliated and embarrassed. You may feel like you’ve lost your dignity, especially when your divorce includes an angry, difficult ex-spouse. Additionally, if you’re being divorced against your will, you can say and do some things that may feel very humiliating later.

Whether you want the divorce or not, getting through it with dignity is the best approach. Here are some tips on how to hang on to your dignity during a divorce.

1. Don’t Chase, Beg, Plead, etc.

If your spouse is leaving you and proceeding with a divorce against your will (or even without your knowledge at first), then you may feel absolutely desperate. You don’t want the divorce, you didn’t see this coming, and you feel like you’ll do anything to keep it from happening.

This is when the dignity might walk out the door along with your spouse if you don’t keep a level head.

It’s okay to feel devastated and desperate; it just might not be the best idea to act on those feelings. It’s tempting to plead, beg, make promises, compromise your principles, and a host of other things that will make you cringe when you look back on them. Instead, take some time to think before you approach your spouse. If you can see a mediator or counselor before engaging your spouse, that’s even better.

2. Make Reasonable Suggestions

You don’t have to show your desperation by getting emotionally messy in front of your spouse. Instead, make some reasonable suggestions to him/her, such as calmly noting that you really do not want the marriage to end, and that you’d like to try counseling or therapy before pursuing a divorce. Or state how you feel without coming apart.

You don’t have to keep from showing all emotion, of course; that’s not possible or even a good idea (your spouse may then think you don’t care about his/her decision to divorce). The key is to keep your emotions from running amok and resulting in undignified behavior.

3. Let Someone Else Talk to Your Spouse

Your pastor, Rabbi, counselor, mutual friend (tread carefully with this one), mediator, or some other qualified individual might speak to your spouse on your behalf. The third party won’t have the emotional messiness that you and/or your spouse might have, and this person might get through to the other party.

4. If the Divorce Is Both Parties’ Decision

Even if you aren’t being divorced against your will, you may still need to think about preserving your dignity. For example:

5. Don’t Put Your Kids in the Middle

While it’s a standard divorce no-no, people still do this – sometimes without even realizing it. Your kids might resent you if they think you’ve kept them from seeing their mom/dad. Don’t talk to your kids about the other parent, either, unless you want to share a funny story or something else they may like to hear. Never confide in your kids or unload your feelings on them. That’s too much for a kid to take.

Divorce is rarely easy. But if you keep a level head and think about what you’re doing, you can still preserve your dignity through it all.